Monday, December 29, 2014

This year has sucked a lot.

Well, as usual at the end of the year, I’m feeling pretty crappy about life.

I’m tired of everything. This year has sucked a lot. Yet, I’ve nothing to resolve for the new year. I don’t know what to do, really, to change. There’s nothing for me here. It occurred to me today that it would be difficult for me to move without having a job in place. I don’t know that I could find an apartment without proof of income. I have no income now, and no savings; my parents help me pay my bills. It’s pathetic. Also, I have no one significant in my life. I don’t only mean a “significant other” – a girlfriend – though that’s true too. I have no people, no group, no one that I feel I can count on to support me.

You might say, “You have family. Your parents help you pay the bills, so that’s something.” Yes, it is something. But I don’t get along with them. I do appreciate their help, but when I do go visit them, or even have a lengthy conversation on the phone, I feel quite clearly that I don’t fit - politics, religion, interests – we’re just not in the same place. If I met my family, and wasn’t related, we would never be friends. We'd say, “Hello, nice to meet you,” or some other pleasantry, then go on our way, probably never giving it another thought. The idea of go there, moving back in with my parents, which my mother has suggested more than once, feels like something that would make me more miserable. It’s not my home; I know no one at all there apart from my family, and around them I feel I just cannot be me.

So what about all my facebook friends? For a little while now it’s occurred to me, over and over, that people do not want to change the nature of their relationships. And by that I mean people who know me do not want to know me any better. They want to keep me at arm’s length, a facebook friend, someone they knew in college or with whom they did a show. But to actually try to change the nature of my relationship with such a person – unless it’s that they get offended or uncomfortable because of something I said (or more likely posted online) and then they unfriend me, or that they do something which I feel is a sort of attack on me and what I do (mainly my photography, but perhaps also some critique of my “politics”) – is a battle so steeply uphill that it’s realistically unwinnable.

What I mean is, it’s fine for people to have a relationship with me that consists of occasional comments and banter on facebook, but if I actually try to be their friend in real life, it simply seems impossible. Everyone is already too busy with their actual friends and family, and there’s nothing I offer in a real friendship. And speaking before of people unfriending me (tons have) – I also have this suspicion that many (or most?) of my “friends” on facebook may have just hidden me from their timeline. They’re not uncomfortable enough to unfriend me outright, but they don’t want to see my posts. Maybe it’s not true, but that’s how it feels.

Anyway, I’m just tired of this existence. It’s not horrific enough for me to want to end it. But I’m so alone, and I do not know how to be around people. When I am around people in a social situation, it feels awkward; I don’t fit. I think that both makes people not want to be around me and makes me not want to be around people. I do recognize the need for people. Yet, I often simply choose to not become involved in social situations. It’s a cycle: not being around people making me more and more awkward around people, and that making me not be around people. Sometimes I do stick my head out a bit and try, and them I’m reminded that nobody wants to be around me. Or at least, not enough to actually make the effort to be around me. So the cycle continues, despite the fact that I feel desperately alone. Not the alone and content thing that some people claim exists, but plain old lonely, desperately lonely.

I’m broke, jobless (and with no “normal” job experience), friendless, loveless. No one is going out of their way to hire me as a musician (which is one thing I actually like to do), and I can’t even get enough people (you know, singer/actor types who I know) to come over and have a sing-along type night. And I can’t convince people to let me photograph them (another thing I actually like to do). I’ve taken way too many pictures of myself; in fact, that’s one of the things that puts people off and makes people not want to hire me. 

I don’t know what to do.